The Rule of Goodbye

Lately, I find my days are filled working to recover as many memories of Londyn as I can. Partly because she is always on my mind but, if I’m being truly honest, mostly out of fear. A fear I will somehow lose these last precious pieces I have of her. As I work through this process, it’s natural that the most vivid and easiest to capture are those closer in reach within our current timeline, those moments surrounding her later teenage and young adult years. It’s from those memories I retrieve pictures in my mind of a very head strong young lady, highly determined to steer the ship and always ready to butt heads with me or her dad.

      It’s also in these moments of reflection I recall myself often playing good cop to Sean’s bad, something I’m not proud of but, in the spirit of transparency, important to share. From the time she could talk, Londyn was extremely smart and quick-witted and could throw out counterpoints that would tongue-tie even the savviest of lawyers on the spot. Add to the fact that I am built very differently, one who needs time to absorb and think things through, this quick retorted method would often leave me frustrated and grasping for words. And so, many times I found it easier to just give in.

      Early on I recognized this as a problematic practice and, like most, doing my best to navigate the never ending curveballs life throws our way, was determined to do better. Given enough time to hone my skills, I slowly began to work out ways to slip in learning opportunities in my attempt to set better boundaries and create some sense of instruction. So as we entered her junior year of high school, a year which exhibited some of her sassiest declarations of independence yet, my new practices were put to the test.

     It was during this time period Londyn and I could often be found trading early morning verbal spars. In the whirlwind of life’s varying stressors, a result of unrelenting homework assignments, tests, band competitions and general day to day demands, mornings often found us battling each other as I worked to get her out of bed and organized for the day.

       In retaliation for whatever the disagreement of the moment may have been, she started the habit of marching out the door in a furry headed to school without saying goodbye. The intent behind this action was not lost on me. So, taking a deep breath to calm my frustration I decided instead to put my new found skills to the test. Something designed to give her pause in the absence of my reaction while simultaneously reinforcing the practice of resolving disagreements before parting ways. So it was I created The Rule of Goodbye. “Never leave the house without saying goodbye. You never know when it could be our last.”

And she tested it, of course she did.

     Whether it was the quintessential rolling of the teenage eyes or a sarcastic text to emphasize her thoughts on a rule she considered over the top, she made it clear she was not on board with the requirement to do anything as small or seemingly silly as uttering a few words.

     But then something changed. Slowly but surely, over time, a habit started to form. It wasn’t without its hiccups. There were still times she would try and slip out of the house early in the morning, thinking I was too tied up to notice, just heading off to school doing her own thing. And in those moments I would either race to the door and yell out to the car or, if gone, send her a text reminding her of our new rule of goodbye. But, eventually over time, and to my astonishment, the rule became habit and she would come give me a hug, maybe a peck on the cheek if I was lucky and yes.. even on her tougher days..at the very least a text “Bye mom, love you”

       There are so many rules as parents we attempt to put in place, many inspired by an idea shared on social media or talked about in parenting circles. Always hug your kids every chance you get. Never leave a conversation without telling them you love them. Never leave things in a bad way because you never know if it will be your last. And just like any well meaning parent I applied these tips with good intention but, at the end of the day, half-heartedly and with 100% assumption that the “you never know” part would never come anywhere near my family.

Until it did…

       And now I find myself writing this blog and scrambling for memories. Digging even to this day to remember the very last words we spoke. Trying to remember what she was wearing on our last FaceTime call and more importantly trying to recover from the fog of my then very distracted brain what would turn out to be our last spoken goodbye.

      Approximately six hours following that final conversation, I would receive the dreaded call. Sean and I would drive 45 minutes to the hospital where we were coldly and clinically informed of her passing and summarily sent home without even getting to see her. Robbed of the opportunity to say goodbye, it was me this time that was forced to break the rule so lovingly practiced, with no amount of texting or yelling into the stratosphere to fix it.

      Despite all my missteps and mistakes made as a well-meaning mom, this is one of those parenting habits I’m grateful I stumbled upon and enforced. As parents we often find ourselves second guessing the rules we put in place for our children. Many might even go so far as convincing ourselves some of these are silly or too picky, and our kids in turn are very good at seeding this self doubt. But it never hurts to be reminded that we bring years of experience to the table. What may seem ridiculous to them now, will in fact one day be appreciated and most likely emulated no matter how much they try to convince us otherwise.

      Whenever I’m having a harder day than usual, I like to envision my beautiful girl, flying around in a frenzy, searching for her lost air pod or throwing a quick lunch together distractedly chatting with me about her crazy schedule before heading out for the day. These seemingly small inconsequential memories are more precious than gold to me now. But this time, as I imagine her slipping out the door headed off to her next adventure I’m not chasing after her for the unspoken goodbye. Turns out maybe she was on to something and the rule itself was a bit over the top. Because now I know it’s not goodbye, not really. Instead it’s “I love you and I’ll see you again one day soon”.